Nancy Strong
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Nancy, Mare & Skittles' story
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I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Nancy. Maybe you know her already. If you don't, let's just say she is a bit of super hero. She was born into an era of poverty, started her first job at eleven, at 5' 3" was one of the best basketball players on her high school teams, adopted three kids (all at once) from a home of neglect/addictions/abuse, despite adversity continually moved up the ladder in the banking industry, lost her husband in her early 60's, drove across the country at 69, vigorously gardened into her late 70s and would still manage to be the sweetest retired lady you’d ever meet in her mid 80's.
At age 80 her health began to decline dramatically. She was diagnosed with macular degeneration, had to give up her car and began to show signs of dementia. It was during this time from 2018 to the beginning of the Pandemic that I decided to stay put in Michigan, so I could keep a closer eye on her. Months after loosing her brother to covid related illnesses she fell. It took a week for her to agree to be taken to the hospital after this fall, which, caused a fracture. During the hospitalization I found out she had not been to a doctor in 15 years, stopped taking her thyroid medication for the same amount of time, had osteoporosis in the majority of the right side of her body, had significant hearing loss and she was officially showing signs of dementia with Lewy bodies. This was at the end of 2021 and since then she's been through myriad tests, sometimes arguing all the way to a doctors office but she is caught up on all her health needs, however, my mom needed 24/7 care home therapy and being the only one to do it, my life began to fail during that time.
My industry was already decimated by the Pandemic and so were decades of dedication and all the sacrifices I made for my career. I was tasked to, not only, help my mother almost completely on my own with little or no resources but pay my bills when my options, like so many others during the Pandemic and since, were bleak and or non existent.
My mom's condition got worse and she had another significant fall, was admitted to the hospital again, admitted to nursing care again but this time it seemed different. During her long stay in this last nursing home it became very clear that she could no longer take care of her self independently, meanwhile, our money was running out. We all decided the best choice for my mom, and she finally agreed to it, was to sell her house and move her into assisted living. I had already been researching places and found an incredible one for her that she liked. This was a huge relief to me because I knew she would be in a safe environment that she could potentially thrive in, yet, if she needed additional care it would be there for her, even for her end of life stages. AND SHE COULD AFFORD IT WITH HER INCOME and the sale of her house would be there for anything she would want beyond rent!!!
We got a sales agent and while mom was still in the nursing home we listed the house and began the process. I worked around the clock, intensely and meticulously bringing the house into a condition that would give us such great curb appeal we would sell it the first day. At this point my isolation from the world was at its peak. The only people I really spoke with were my mom's nurses, doctors, our real estate agent and an occasional online social interaction. Then three days before her release she fell again and was deemed a “fall risk” and it was decided that her level of care warranted even more than the assisted living setting we'd nearly signed a year lease with. My anxiety during that time was so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack a few times (fortunately, I later found out it was only severe stress). There were days I couldn't see straight but I kept moving thinking about everything my mom did for me with the words of a few good friends and family running throughout my head; one being, “Don't think about what you are loosing from this situation but what you are gaining.” I kept seeking help, making calls becoming educated with her illness/insurance and then a super human care advocate entered our lives and she became my representative when I was so upset at times I couldn’t speak. This angel got us through the most difficult time of all this. With few days left of Medicare assistance at the nursing home, our care advocate found two group homes for my mom and I had 18 minutes to choose which one my mom would stay at for her remaining years. It was brutal but I made the decision and it was the correct decision. The home she has now been in for over a year is the most loving and safe place we could have ever hoped for.
So, our house was ready and after only two days on the market we accepted a great offer, however, I had no money. All the time I spent during that month was dedicated to getting the house in order and visiting my mom almost everyday; the drive alone was an hour round trip. As I waited on pins and needles for the closing of our family home, I continued to make sure her/our house was ready for the new owners. I emptied my account, burned through credit and got one last credit card. All this managed to get me/us through. The house closed and I could take a breath for the first time in months.
Even though I was mentally hit and socially awkward I decided it was time to get back to my work and headed back to LA. I knew leaving my mother would not be easy for me, especially being so far away but there are only a few places Artists/Actors can earn a living wage and in almost all cases it's not in Michigan (even someone like me who has won grants, awards and heavily involved in the Arts and Entertainment industry as long as I have). Everyday in SoCal I cried. Everyday I regretted leaving. Then in October of last year mom had a serious fall again and had to be taken to the hospital. It was agonizing trying to manage this for her with the hospital and try and manage the sadness brought out by the powerlessness of not being able to do everything I wanted because I wasn't there. In the short time I was in SoCal I decided I couldn't bare the distance and my mother asking me, “where I was,” every single time I called added to my regret. I broke down and asked her if she would trust me to help find us a house that I would come home and do just that. She, ofcourse, said “yes.” I packed up everything and drove back to Michigan with my dog Skittles… again.
I've never bought a home before or represented someone who was buying one. The entire experience was complicated, wearing and fruitless in the end for several reasons. Telling my mom the bad news was awful. I knew how much, just the idea, of living with Skittles and I in our own home was helping her cope with her current surroundings and she had more energy. My poor mom. The silver lining at the time was my physically being in Michigan to see just how well the staff at her home took care of her when she fell this time and how great the care at the local hospital (Troy Beaumont) was. I realized she was exactly where she needed to be and that I had left no stone un-turned in trying to help the most important person in my life.
After a few weeks, I began the journey back to Los Angeles. In two weeks of living there I booked my first paid acting gig in over two years and made more money than I had in even more years. My mom did have to go to the hospital during this time but I was proud that I handled it without hysteria or crying 15 minutes every hour. Thankfully, she was fine within a few days.
Then a few weeks ago the nursing home my mom was last in, over a year ago, emailed me to say there is a $1,000.00 outstanding bill. It made me sick to my stomach. How could this be? We can't take one more financial surprise but it was justified but poorly timed (an employee, who had since been let go, failed to send us a bill). It prompted me to crunch my mom's numbers, which, is her income and what is left of the money from the sale of her house. I crunched my own numbers and even though I made more money in those last two months than I made in years, it wasn't enough if I was going to also help my mom out from the inevitability of her not being able to pay her very high (but worth it) rent and misc.
I was given the impression by doctors and others over a year ago that my mom's life was coming to an end. My thinking was let’s put her in a safe place where her dignity would be in tact surrounded by individuals that are trained in caring so her time on this earth would be filled with loving attention and respect, meanwhile, I could start rebuilding my life and get on stable footing. We’ve headed in that direction BUT three weeks ago, after crunching those numbers, I realized that we will not have enough money to keep my mom in this beautiful home … not even close and it will happen within a few months! I knew that this day could come. I hoped, prayed and worked to see it not but it's here.
With new motivation I began digging for ways out of this. I began making calls to all bodies of our government from national to local and there is help for many things just not for my mom's total care. If I don't take care of her myself in our own home to cut significant costs she will end up in a government run nursing facility where, because of her type of dementia, macular degeneration and age will most likely be restrained in bed, ignored, get regular UTI's, her falls will become more frequent and dangerous, reduced to a restrained wheelchair and become so angry and confused in this type of surrounding she will ask to die. I am determined to make sure this does NOT happen. I don’t know how I could live with myself knowing I played any part in the degradation of her twilight.
Which leads me to the Summer of 2024. I packed my stuff once more, drove across America with Skittles and began looking for a house again.
THE EXCITING NEWS WAS WE FOUND A HOUSE !!! THE SET UP WAS PERFECTLY SET UP FOR MY MOM'S NEEDS AS IF THE HOUSE KNEW WE WERE COMING !!! WE WERE APPROVED OF FINANCING!!! AN OFFER WAS ACCEPTED !!! But then the appraiser changed his mind and sent us back what, for some of our team, the most ridiculous repairs (over $20,000) that neither us or the seller would pay to have completed and they all would take longer than the time I had to place mom. Needless to say our dream of owning this home was destroyed. All the time and money spent on this pursuit gone.
I was once again put through an awful amount of stress but I couldn't let this get in the way of finding something for us. I remembered an assisted living in the Metro Area that also had senior apartments. I also remembered that sometimes they bent the rule to allow a family member, who was not a senior, to live with a senior. Within two days we had our new place! It's unfortunate to tell you that within eight days of living and taking care of my mom, once again I realized the limits of my abilities. Her level of care had become much more severe since I was caring for her at the end of 2021 to the beginning of 2023 in her home. More heartbreak. What do I do? Money was continuing to run out. I had little time to think and reached out to our landlord who was connected with the memory care on the property. After they found out about our situation agreed to let my mom stay at their facility for the same amount my mother was paying at the group home. Though this seemed like a good thing, it would not address my mom's long term care needs. The fact of the matter was …. there was no place my mom could go…. Here income from Social Security and Pension was way over the amount to qualify for Medicaid but that amount was still nowhere near what she'd need for rent at a facility specific to her needs, not to mention, the addition of her living expenses and debt. Still, with this all in mind, I took her over to the memory care because I was running out of options.
At memory care she began to exhibit disruptive behaviors like never before. I also saw how memory care and nursing care facilities are very similar in how they are set up, which was not appealing to me and not healthy for mom. I began regretting taking her out of the group home she'd been in for over a year. I was so upset about where we had landed, out of desperation I contacted the group home. They were saddened to hear how she was reacting to the memory care and mentioned missing her. Our communication ended with them telling me that mom's room WAS STILL AVAILABLE AND OFFERED TO WORK WITH US ON THE RENT! This was truly a miraculous moment. These folks are some of the most generous and well equipped to care for elderly dementia residents I've ever known. Without hesitation I brought her back the next day. They swiftly brought her to her old room and made her comfortable as I moved in her belongings. On my way out, I noticed her in the dinning room eating her dinner with a great big smile on her face. There are very good people in this world and I believe my mom is one of them and because of her goodness she attracted these good people into our lives.
Knowing of our continued struggle to pay for mom's private room, they suggested we try the shared room. As of October 1st, 2024 mom had transitioned into this room with the better rate. Even though the group home worked with us on rent, it was only temporary.
Time and money and help had run out as of that November 1st. My mother would have to be put into a government run facility! I was already without a home and made an effort to rent a house for us. I anxiously waited in a hotel room I could no longer afford. I tried to “keep it together” and stay positive. I tried selling items on Marketplace from my room. I even auditioned for parts from this hotel and campaigned to raise money from friends and family from this room for my living costs and what we'll need to get the house ready.
NOVEMBER 9TH 2024 WE GOT THE HOUSE!!! I'm currently getting it ready. Fundraising efforts have brought in money for my mom's higher rent due to it being a day to day. Some incredible friends have purchased some of the most needed items but so much more is needed. The house I rented was the lowest rent of all that fit our needs but it was rented to me in a terribly dirty state which meant it would take longer for me to clean and get ready, meanwhile, we are paying two rents. I was able to get additional credit but that has run out.
NOVEMBER 15TH 2024 MOM IS HOME!!! It took even longer to clean the rental and get funds for mom's furniture but having her is tremendous. I know there is a lot ahead of me, I'm now working for her 24/7 but I'm going to doing everything I can to make her happy and remain home as long as I can. Skittles is also very excited to have another human in the house.
NOVEMBER 21ST 2024 While transferring mom into the car, which is the only way I've been able to get our groceries having her with me, she got fussy and starting kicking. I reared up to get out of the way and hit my head on the door jam of the car. I was knocked into her lap where I immediately started crying. At the same time I hit my head, I clenched my teeth with severe force. On my knees, in my mom's lap, in our driveway I could not have been more upset, in pain and frustrated with our need for more help. I knew we had three stops so I had to get up and shake it off, meanwhile, I had a real feeling that I had done something very bad to either my skull or my teeth. I quickly went into the house, opened the door to the freezer and screamed into it as loud as I could twice. Then I got ice out and filled a bag to keep ice on my head in order to get our food and supplies in two different cities. I had one hand on the wheel and one on the ice bag. I rested my hand at one point where my mother reached over and grabbed my hand. She hadn't done that since I was a child. I started to cry again. Even in her state, she could tell how upset I was and I'd like to believe that was her way of expressing she understood and was grateful to me. Two weeks later my implant crown became loose and a week after that while mom was in hospital, which was the only way I could go to my dentist, I found out I damaged it so bad from the injury I'd need a replacement. A replacement will cost anywhere from $1,000 - $3,000.
NOVEMBER 27TH 2024 (DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING) Mom and I and Skittles have been living happily, despite not have the amount of help I need. This morning at 1AM mom fell (which she has done many times in the last four years because of the combination of her Sundowning, age related weakness, osteoporosis/arthritis, macular degeneration etc.) This time made the 4th time she had to go to the hospital. I knew because of her fall risk 24/7 needs this could happen no matter what kind of facility she lived in. Now, it's happened and I'm glad I gave her an early Thanksgiving day and a Christmas Decorating experience at our house before. Unfortunately, we are now headed possibly back down the dreaded route of physical therapy in a nursing home. I can't even think beyond that at this point, except to say, I will continue to work on getting things situated so she can stay with Skittles and I as long as possible. We are now more in debt than ever as a result of the last 4 years but we are alive and surrounded by good people, so there is hope.
DECEMBER 19TH 2024 MOM GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL this past Sunday. I had good interactions from most of the staff but when it came to the doctors/attending physicians or case workers in particular, their impatience while I was being, what felt like, ping-ponged from one to another, while, being asked stressful questions to be answered quickly without a lot of understanding or time to think, I went directly to Medicare where all-in-all they all began telling me the other was responsible for giving me information which in the end never reached me/us or was confused and to late. I don't know if this is endemic of all hospitals in this part of Michigan or our country but I will do everything I can to keep her from this. The good news is that mom was home and she was nowhere as bad of condition physically. We have myriad “in-home” care each week for the next six weeks which will help
TWO WEEKS have passed after mom's return from the hospital. Even though the holidays were fulfilling for us, I struggled through all of it with brave face. I'm continuing to struggle to get help in our house from friends and family to take any burden off the 24/7 care she needs, struggle to make money, struggle to get the respite I need from her dementia and sundowning that makes her cruel and violent towards me daily, struggle to get sleep every night and the only social activity I have is with her doctor, nurse, pharmacy, grocery store employees and in-home-care (though, I'm extraordinarily grateful for these interactions). I've also suffered a few injuries here helping mom in the last two months. There is only so much one person can do. Folks like my mom need a team, which she once had but as most who know our situation, know she can no longer afford and ironically, she earns way too much in SS & Pension to qualify for any form of help or support by Medicaid or other Michigan/U.S. services. Every lead at this point either takes me to a dead end or in a circle.
I've tried and tried to do everything I can for her and that feeling of "Well, I'll bounce back from this." is almost gone. I'm afraid we have gotten to that point, which I've worked years to avoid, and begin the process of turning her over to the state. I DO NOT WANT THIS but at this point what I want and I know that would be much more comfortable for her is impossible... unless a miracle were to occur. In the end we are loosing a battle with the healthcare system.
We do have a social worker from the in-home-care and I have been in contact with APS to find the best way and place for mom, meanwhile, I'll continue to do what I can to keep her home.
HAPPY 2025! Mom and I and Skittles together have made it to 2025! It's been a non-stop in-home care parade, along with, the never ending house maintenance our rental home has had. Mom has a team of PT/OT/Speech/Social Worker/Nurse. Although, her being denied by a doctor at Henry Ford to be admitted, which would have given her the ability to go to a nursing home for much more involved therapy and would have allowed me to find more work and catch my breathe; having all these folks in and out of the house and giving my mom the care they have, has made a difference. It is also a healthier, more dignified and safer environment (ironically) to be since I look out for her 24/7, plus, I help her get phone calls from friends and family, hand and foot messages, regular baths, hair cuts and styling, food she loves, playing ball, all the movies and tv she'd want anytime and all the attention from Skittles that she can take. I also work at regularly trying to get one of our friends to visit us.
One of our in-home people has actually already given us a few hours complimentary care service as a friend … AMAZING. It is not easy taking care of an 86 year old women with physical impediments but the mental struggles she has where she lashes out physically and verbally are the most challenging for me. Live-in care giving for a mother with severe dementia demands a lot, so, I look for help for both of us everyday.
Alzheimer's Society "One in three people will develop dementia in their lifetime." Please do what you can now because the help you'll need may not be there ❤️
JANUARY 26TH 2025 Mom fell in the middle of the day while I was making her, her mother's nut bread and minutes before our angel OT Maria fortuitously arrived for mom's appointment. Maria gave us the help we needed while I prepped the car to take mom to the hospital.
I've tried and tried to do everything I can for my mom and that feeling of "Well, I'll bounce back from this." is almost gone. I'm afraid we have gotten to that point, which I've worked years to avoid, and I'll need to begin the horrible process of turning her over to the state. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I really don't know how I will live with myself if I have to do this but at this point what I want and what is humanly possible for us are opposites…... unless a miracle were to occur. In the end we are loosing a battle with the healthcare system.
We do have a social worker from the in-home-care and I have been in contact with APS to find the best way and place for mom. Meanwhile, I'll continue to do what I can to keep her home and take care of all of us but I'm feeling like I am no longer capable. She can barely walk and I am in pain now when I have to lift her and move her for her transfers, especially the bathroom. Still, no more help comes. I continue to share all the updates with her friends and family.
FEBRUARY 21ST 2025 Dad would have been 85 today. We didn't celebrate.
MARCH 6TH 2025 After another trip to the hospital for a very serious UTI I learned that in some cases hospice is available for folks who qualify, not just those in there final days. This was huge news (another thing that I wished I knew about and found out that many people in my position are unaware of). It's bittersweet to share that an in-home Hospice company is now helping mom and Skittles and I through her last days/weeks, maybe months. As of today she has not left bed, been able to communicate, eat any food and only had a few sips of water. We are now merely trying to keep her comfortable and relaxed until she lets go.
I can feel her leaving in my bones. My body is slowing down, preparing itself for the grief. It's very powerful but I'm not fighting it. I've been running a mile a minute for over 4 years against a current. Every day is a gift now and I have no regrets with the things I gave up to help mom because I know what I feel I have sacrificed and will continue to, does not add up to a thimble full of what she did for me and our family.
Even though this has been ugly and difficult, it has also been full of joy, laughs and enlightenment. It's a gift to go through this with her and an honor to be a part of her loving and dignified death.
I made a promise to my dad on his death bed that I will always look out for mom and no matter what, I fulfilled this promise, along with my mom's, that she would die at home and not alone but now my heart is breaking apart and the tears won't stop.
MARCH 16TH 2025 It's truly remarkable that my mom is still alive as of this update. It appears that this new decline of being bed ridden, barely eating or drinking is her new norm. So, now, I am focused on how I can make every minute of her life better, instead of preparing for her death. We have all the services the Hospice can give her and my nursing skills grow. Although, my mom is no longer capable, we are all doing what we can to make this uncomfortable time for her as comfortable as possible.
MARCH 17TH - 21ST 2025 We celebrated St. Patrick's day with her favorite Costco Irish stew which I put into her syringe and she had one helping. My brother came by to pay his last respects, along with a few of her friends and family calling to send their love. I began messaging her cold hands and feet every few hours. I had old cassette tapes of my dad from his EDS days and I played them for her. I started pulling out photos from all her St. Hedwig school days, 42 years of NBD - Chase banking days, old and new family and friend photos; anything to spark good thoughts.
MARCH 22ND 2025 Midday Skittles and I piled on to mom's twin sized medical bed and watched “The Sound of Music.” I started to make the comparisons of mom to the Julie Andrews character. Mom was like a child whisperer. I remembered when I was a child noticing how she was always happy, always giving children love, knowledge and attention. Making sure everyone was included and made to feel wanted and special. Even the colors in the movie reminded me of how mom decorated our childhood home. The beautiful natural light of the epic hill scenes were evocative of my earliest memories of mom getting me for the first time. A few hours after the movie she began to have her end of life breathing. The nurse gave me specific instructions on what was needed. Next I made the room a welcoming space for her soul to leave her body with another blanket, soothing music and a dim light. I continued to massage her hands and feet. I got really scared at one point, thinking I wouldn't be able to handle her eminent release, so I asked the universe (or demeaned) that I would have “the stuff” to see this through. I snapped out of it. At 9PM Mom passed away while sleeping. Though, I gave her what she'd always wanted I am devastated.
She was taken away in the night with the stars above her. I lit candles so she would find her way.
APRIL 3RD 2025 (two days before memorial) - I'm glad mom wasn't alive to experience the flooding which was a continuation of this problematic property. I'm extremely fortunate a friend was able to come to my aid the night before. Things dried enough and she and I were able to contain the mess and make the house comfortable for our guest who ALL RSVPd.
My mom really never asked anyone for anything, unless it was on my or my brother’s behalf. She always led her life generously from the heart. She certainly never asked to have dementia nor prepared for it. Alzheimer's and all its varieties is a horrible disease that capsizes the brain taking the body with it and makes it heartbreaking for those who are close to the sufferer. Our culture is sorely lacking in understanding, knowledge and compassion for those afflicted by this progressive brain disorder.
"One in three people will develop dementia in their lifetime." Please do what you can now because the help you'll need may not be there ❤️ Alzheimer's Society
APRIL 5TH 2025 The joy you brought to our home remembering Nancy was a beautiful tribute to her and the love you have for her. Your presence, stories, emails and gifts are a testament to your generosity and will be remembered with gratitude and sweetness. I felt great love by your attendance at this celebration for a mother who, was overall, considered by the group as “the kindest.”
SEPTEMBER 8TH 2025 It's been almost six months since mom left us and the first couple months were emotionally overwhelming. My closest “person” not being alive, when I already felt alone was (still is from day to day) unbearable. I reflect on how miraculous it was that I made it through to the end for her. I've wondered what I was going to do each day without her? Will I have enough money to get by, did I do enough for her? Am I strong enough to bounce back from the most harrowing time of my adult life with little to no resources?
JANUARY 22 2026 It's getting to be regularly below zero at nighttime and during the day it's below freezing. I'm unsure how I'm going to pay my gas bill. I'm now holding up in one room where I work and sleep, closing off all the other rooms in the house and keep the heat at 52degrees in the effort to save money. I'm cold all day and night. I hope I don't get sick. Skittles' spirits remain high.
MARCH 16TH 2026 The three jobs I have (four starting 2nd week of April) are not enough to move the mountain of caregiver debt strapped to my side. This Sunday is the one year anniversary of my mom's passing. I put everything on hold for my mom, believing I would bounce back at some point.
MAY 1ST 2026 With the help of Ageways, the state of Michigan, Jewish Family Services and Gesher Human Services I no longer have food insecurity, I'm tackling 6 years of missed doctors appointments and finding more ways to downsize in order to survive, pay off debt and find some little happiness without my mom and best friend. Even with all this help, I struggle because there is over $11,000.00 of mom's caregiver debt making each week a scramble to stay afloat. I miss you mom . . .
OCTOBER 16 2026 Skittles has had a stomach issue for 6 days. She kept me up half the time, which is reminiscent of caring for mom and made a sales event near impossible causing more issues to my continued financial difficulties. Even with four jobs (80 HOURS+ a week) I'm unable to pay all the bills, because my preexisting credit continues to pile up. I just can't seem to get a break and I don't know how I'll live if my baby Skittles doesn't get better soon.
I am aware of the challenging financial times many of us are already in and it's difficult for me to continue to ask for gifts since and after the Pandemic, not to mention, you may be dealing with your own family matters but if you do have some resources you can tape into to help restore my little family please do what you can below.
Sharing my website (www.marecostello.com) with your friends is another and free way to help me get back on my feet. I have hundreds of incredible works for sale with a wide range of prices, along with the award winning movies folks can easily download.
Your generosity will have impact and you will always have the knowledge of knowing you gave to someone who needed it because her mother needed generosity.
With Love,
Mare, Skittles & Nancy R.I.P.
"One in three people will develop dementia in their lifetime." Please do what you can now because the help you'll need may not be there ❤️ Alzheimer's Society
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Anastasia costello obituary
The stars are brighter, the air calmer with our beloved Nancy returning home to her maker.
Anastasia “Nancy” Costello age 86, peacefully passed on March 22, 2025 with her dearest daughter Mare and pooch Skittles at her side. She is the beloved wife of Neal. Loving mother also to David. Dear sister of Flossie, John, Bernie and Joan. A beautiful, strong and loved lady, who will be deeply missed by many.
A private celebration of life will be took place at Nancy's home.
